April 7, 2025
Parenting Without a Handbook
Parenting is one of the most fulfilling, beautiful, confusing, and difficult things a person can do. Unfortunately, parenting doesn’t come with a handbook on how to do it “right” or how to not “mess up” your child, but there are a ton of good resources on how to balance yourself as a parent, what is important and what isn’t, and the most critical things one should/should not do as a parent. What if you were raised with strict parents? Do parenting styles really matter? What’s this whole gentle parenting thing? What if you come from trauma and are worried about passing that on? What if the parents are of the child are no longer together, or never were? What if the child was adopted or taken in through foster care? All of these are common questions I hear in session from parents- both new and established. To effectively parent it isn’t enough to just avoid dangers, and provide the basics of food, water, shelter, and love, however this is a good start.
The National Academy of Sciences describes four major responsibilities for parents: maintaining children's health and safety, promoting their emotional well-being, instilling social skills, and preparing children intellectually. Sounds feasible, right? So how exactly do we make sure to promote growth in all four areas? Dr. Christian Conte calls the approach, the Four- C’s of Parenting- Choices, Consequences, Consistency, and Compassion.
Conte explains that, parents who give choices foster independence and responsibility in their children. Choice encourages the child to think on their own instead of waiting to be told what to do. Children who grow up with the ability to make choices have a better understanding of what comes from the choice including consequences. Parents who give compassion show acceptance, affection, and love to their children. Giving compassion helps the child separate who they are from what they have done. It gives space to let them know you love them, but that their choice was negative. Compassion encourages feelings of safety in children, and when they feel safe they are better able to learn. Parents who provide consistency provide a stable environment and follow through with their words and actions. Consistency means follow through, and follow through so much so that it is predictable to the child that you will do what you say. Keeping in mind that, following through makes you more credible as a parent and making threats and possibly not following through takes away from that. Lastly, parents who provide consequences teach their children the outcomes of their actions-positive and negative. Providing age appropriate consequences for your children helps prepare them for their future as all choices have consequence wither positive or negative. Conte suggests that consequences should absolutely fit the crime and should never including things like abuse. The point of consequences is to teach not punish. Children will likely have a negative reaction to a negative consequence, and as parents its important to remember this is normal.
Perfect parenting doesn’t exist. However, having a general roadmap is helpful. Please remember that having your child/children’s best interest at heart is the first step, not wanting to repeat negative family patterns or trauma is the next step and then putting into place these general guidelines will help guide positive parenting. Counseling is another great place to get feedback about parenting, both individually or with a partner/spouse.
References:
Breiner H, Ford M, & Gadsden VL. Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2016 Nov 21. 2, Parenting Knowledge, Attitudes, and Practices. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK402020/
Conte, C. The Four C’s of Parenting. (n.d.). The Four C’s of Parenting - Dr. Christian Conte. https://www.drchristianconte.com/four-cs-parenting/
March 13, 2025
Anxiety in Uncertain Times
Uncertainty surrounds us daily- What will happen today? Do you have control over it? Whether it is on the macro level including political, economic, and social changes or the micro level within your community, home, or family, uncertainty is around daily. Humans crave security and most people want to feel safe, so how does uncertainty play into that? Uncertainty can leave you feeling fearful, stressed, drained, and anxious. It can lead to “what-ifs” and doom thinking. Some people enjoy unpredictability and taking risks, while others find the randomness of life anxiety producing. If you feel overwhelmed by uncertainty and related worry, you are not alone. There is help no matter how helpless or hopeless you may feel.
As the coronavirus pandemic demonstrated, things can be somewhat predictable one day and completely different the next. People who find themselves anxious in uncertainty often find themselves agonizing about all of the possibilities in hopes of thinking through every scenario possible, so they are “ready” for what comes.
Some healthier ways to deal with uncertainty and related feelings of anxiety include:
1. Reduce your anxiety and stress levels- Increase exercise or being active, utilize therapy to process your feelings, utilize meditation/grounding exercises, make time for relaxation, eat a healthy diet, and sleep well.
2. Refocusing on the things you can control vs the things you cannot- How can you move forward? What are things you are certain of?
3. Challenge your need for certainty- Where does this come from? Why is it necessary? How does it serve you?
4. Learn to accept some sense of uncertainty- This doesn’t mean not having a plan, but it does mean not having a fully mapped out plan for every single situation or scenario in life. Identify your uncertainty triggers and take action to reduce exposure to them.
5. Limit your exposure to news- Help manage your stress by limiting your visits to your favorite news site or TV channel especially right before bedtime. Take in the news you feel is absolutely necessary and continue to remind yourself what is and isn’t within your control. *This goes back to knowing your uncertainty triggers.
6. Start a gratitude list- gratitude is one of the most powerful positive emotions and helps counteract symptoms of depression. Start small with a simple list and add to it over time then reflect on it periodically.
7. Three good things- At the end of each day take a few minutes and list 3 good things that happened that day. Think about how you made those things happen and how they made you feel. This ties directly into gratitude and remember, gratitude helps counteract symptoms of depression!
8. Remind yourself of the things you have been through in life that felt hard, yet you overcame. How does this uncertain time compare to the time you overcame? Can you use any of the techniques you used then to help you?
References:
Robinson, L & Smith, M. (n.d.). The role of uncertainty in life. Help Guide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/anxiety/dealing-with-uncertainty
Seale, G. (n.d.). Best practices for managing stress and anxiety during times of uncertainty. Center for Neuro Skills. https://biausa.org/public-affairs/media/managing-stress-and-anxiety-during-times-of-uncertainty